PEN SNOB VS. THE MACHINE

I'm a pen snob.  I like a certain feel in my hand, a certain way the ink flows out, the way the pen moves across the paper, and ultimately the kind of marks it leaves.  I like smooth, bold lines and a fat instrument, not a skinny pen that's hard to hold. 

                  As a result, I've become addicted to the Uniball 207 Impact, black, bold 1.0 mm soft comfort grip with the QR code 3024665812.  Like other pen manufacturers, Uniball makes numerous types of quick drying gel ink pens, but this particular style suits my fancy.  The only negative is that being bold ink, it runs out fast.  Sometimes I blow through two in a weekend if I'm at a conference taking a bunch of notes.  And I'm a prodigious note taker. 

                  When my inventory gets below two packages of four, I start to panic.  When I'm down to two packs, I stop in at Staples to get half a dozen packs and renew my stash.  While these pens are not as important as food, they're pretty close.  If I ran out of these pens and the only way to get them was to miss a day or two of food, I think I'd do it.  Those of you who happily pick up any pen probably think I have some sort of addiction fetish, but when you write as much as I do--with a pen, not with your thumbs on a smart phone--you develop a bond, a relationship, with this primary communication tool that ultimately defines your identity.  In short, I'm in love with this pen. 

                  If Uniball ever stops making this style I'll go through grief and addiction withdrawal as surely as I would losing a loved one.  All this to get to the story:  about three weeks ago I was down to two packs and stopped in at Staples to get some more.  That style was out.  I asked the cashier when they would get some more in.  He responded:  "Yes, that's a real favorite and it's hard to keep them in."  I said:  "Well, order more then."  I said this with a big smile and assured him I was a most devoted fan of this pen. 

                  I stopped in a week later.  The rack for this model was empty.  I went to the help desk at Staples.  The gal there looked it up:  "We have six in stock."  She called to the back room to see where they were.  Unable to locate them, she said they get new stock in every Thursday.  She was extremely helpful and wrote down the SKU number so I could call in and ask if it was in before stopping at the store.  I don't get to town much. 

                  As my stash dwindled, I started becoming desperate.  "No, they haven't come in."  Finally, I told Teresa (my wife who knows how to order things online) we had to intervene and get them online.  We wanted to patronize our local store, but desperate times lead to desperate measures.  So we pulled Staples on-line and couldn't find the pen.  Meanwhile, on my computer (yes, we were both hunting on our individual computers) I went straight to Uniball and found it.  It was available through Office Depot.  We don't have one in our town. 

                  A bit more sleuthing and I found it on WalMart's website.  And they were a dollar pen cheaper than Staples.  One catch:  we had to navigate all the customer sign-up rigmarole to get them from WalMart.  We worked through that, including creating a password (don't you love those?) and clicked in our 10 packages on the shopping cart.  "You cannot open an account" came up in red on the website.  Okay, forget that. 

                  In desperation, I called--yes, using those things you talk into--the local Staples store and, down on my vocal knees, begged them to help me.  I told them I'd been in several times in the last month trying to buy this pen and it was always out.  The extremely helpful fellow, named Eric, took pity and began a real deep dive into the Uniball 207 Impact at his Staples.  Guess what?  He said they had 4 packs on a special display as a promotion. 

                  My heart rate dropped.  My hands quit shaking.  Beads of sweat quit pouring off my forehead.  "Can you put them aside for me?  I'll be there this morning," I promised.  He said he would and then repeated that inventory showed they had six more packs in the store.  I told them that's what they'd been telling me for three weeks, but obviously they weren't there.  Then he said the punchline of this story:  "Since the system shows we have six packs in the store, it won't let us order any more."

                  Ahhhh, the ultimate answer.  The machine beat the people.  The machine had no idea about reality.  I arrived a couple of hours later and saw Eric--I knew him by the name on the Staples shirt.  "I'm the guy who called in about the Uniball 207 Impact."  He smiled and sent me over to a delightful lady cashier at the special services desk. Her pink hair and multiple piercings hanging off her face made her "Hi, dear" even more endearing.  You know you're aging into harmlessness when Gen Z'ers call you "dear," "sweetie" and "honey."  She used them all, got the packages of pens, and added:  "we overrode the inventory computer so it will send in some more next week."  I wanted to reach across the counter and hug her, but that would have made me less harmless.

                  I effusively praised this duo for putting a personal touch on their machine, keeping me from emotional and physical breakdown, and enabling my handwritten notes to continue uninterrupted.  The whole saga reminds me of a friend's assessment of computers when they entered his large manufacturing operation three decades ago:  "these things don't save any jobs; they just create new ones to handle their mistakes."  How true.  I now have five and a piece packs of Uniball 207 Impact on the shelf by my desk; life is good. 

                  Do you have a favorite pen, or are you a "whatever" person?